Use Once & Destroy
by Underneath All Elsewhere
Summary: She didn't understand that what I wanted didn't matter. What I needed was her back in my life. Want and need are two very different extremes. I may have wanted Lacey, but I actually needed her.


"Use Once & Destroy"

My last memory of her before I left seemed so distant now that I knew who she had become.

She wrapped her arms around me and whispered "don't forget me" softly in my ear. I could feel her tears soaking the shoulder of my shirt. She gave me a keychain with a picture of the three of us inside it. I slipped it into my pocket.

"Don't stay gone too long," she said before her mother pulled her away. "You can't. We start middle school in September."

I knew she was in denial. I had killed my dad's sister; there was no way I would be joining her and Jo for the next school year.

The next time I saw her was the day before I started school. I walked all the way to her house, assuming she still lived there. She saw me through her bedroom window, and when I waved, she acted like she hadn't seen me and turned the light off. Something told me not to knock on the door. I didn't want to deal with her mother or her cats.

So I walked back home and looked up her number in the phone book. A lot has changed in five years, especially in the world of technology. My mom already schooled me on all the social networking sites, none of which I plan to use. I figured Lacey's cell phone number wouldn't be in here, but her house number was still the same. I didn't waste my time calling because I knew she wouldn't pick up. I promised myself I would face her at school the next day.

/

She was breathtakingly beautiful, but something was missing. Inside, she was herself, whole. Outside, she was just a shell, empty. We both knew what we wanted, but she was the one running from the truth. Now she was scared when she used to be brave. She was passive and easily intimidated when she used to be defiant and loud. It saddened me to watch her shrivel up like a dying flower at the sight of me. The space between us had this electric charge. If I reached out and touched her, I would be shocked out of my senses. Her wall was too high and too well guarded for me to climb over. Just like the Green Grove Juvenile Detention Center.

I watched her on the six o' clock news countless times, refusing to give interviews. With each passing year, she grew taller. Her body became more athletic, and she started styling her hair. For some reason, I never saw Jo. I figured she wanted to visit or write letters, but with her dad being on the other side of the law, she was powerless.

When I went to sleep at night, I always dreamed of my parents, Lacey, and Jo. I kept the keychain under my pillow and held it tight during restless nights. I wondered what they were doing when I was eating the ill prepared "food" we were forced to eat. As I labored out in the yard under the searing sun, I pictured Lacey and Jo on the beach playing volleyball or lying on a towel under an umbrella. Every day was another reminder of what I had done, and why I could no longer be with the ones I loved. Although I felt I had paid the price a million times over already, I knew it wouldn't be over until everyone else was sure I had accepted the guilt.

/

I wasn't surprised Lacey wanted to ignore me in public. What did surprise me was how she acted when we were in private. I remember leaning towards her on my bedroom floor, imagining it before it happened. That bittersweet moment when our lips met. Knowing that it was the first time and would also be the last. I know she pulled away at the last minute because, like, who cheats on her boyfriend with a psycho killer? The fake personality she had to uphold in front of everyone else flashed through both our minds.

My heart truly ached as I laid the blanket over her sleeping frame. I wanted to gather her in my arms and lay her on my bed. I wanted her scent on my sheets, so I could inhale her. My disappointment was immense when I woke to find her gone. My time alone with her was all too fleeting.

When her friend was killed, I wanted to be there for her. Although I myself had taken a life, I also knew what it was like to experience profound loss. The biggest difference was while Lacey had lost Regina forever, I had only lost her and Jo temporarily. I gave her my condolences, but she only shrugged them off and acted like she didn't need me. What I learned while away instilled an everlasting sense of hope in me. Just as my mother never gave up on me, even though she knew what I had done to her sister-in-law, I would never let Lacey go, no matter how many times Jo warned me about her.

/

I couldn't believe that it was still there when I saw it. It had seen better days of course, but our special spot remained standing. I stepped inside, then realized someone was already there. My breath caught in my throat for a moment. She turned and met my gaze. I had never seen her so vulnerable before. I just wished she could show me how she really felt, no matter where we were. Here, at school, up in my room. I needed her to know that I still loved her, even though she acted as if I was the bane of her existence.

I was willing to do whatever it took to get her on my side again. Even if it meant pretending to care about the dangers of teenage drinking and dealing with that annoying director who acted as if her life depended on the ridiculous skit. Being around her, knowing she'd read what I wrote, all three of us up on that stage, left an overwhelming amount of emotions coursing through me.

She didn't understand that what _I_ wanted didn't matter. What I needed was her back in my life. Want and need are two very different extremes. I may have wanted Lacey, but I actually _needed_ her. Simply wanting to kill my aunt could not stop me from _needing_ to kill her. Needing to get along with Lacey's asshole boyfriend kept me from wanting to get along with him. Jo and Rico didn't need to help me, they _wanted_ to. As much as I told myself that Lacey needed to help me too, I was well aware that she didn't want to.

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**A/N**: This is my first time posting on FF in three years! I've definitely gotten more experienced as a writer and I couldn't wait to write for my new favorite pairing! Hope you enjoyed and please please please review!


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